A new day for a new blog (Connect)

What is up my friends and family?

I've noticed a few of my fantastic youth kids from church having been blogging about the daily musings of their lives. After reading a few entries I figured I might try to make a comeback to the world of aimless writing. The previous attempts were efforts that I whole heartedly believed would continue to this day. Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that I never put forth the effort that was required to have a successful online journal.

That brings me here...

A fresh start

To hopefully capture YOU

Perhaps provoke and challenge your thoughts

Maybe tickle your mind

Engage you in an ongoing conversation

But in the end this blog is really for me.......

It is necessary for me to know that I am significant with the possibility that one of my few readers will care. In fact my hope is many of you will care and take a vested interest in the workings of my heart. My current belief is that this blog will not fade, but as history has shown, complacency will take its course ultimately ending this short lived journey.... Unless the lessons learned from previous missteps transform into a blog worth updating. Simply put, I want to prioritize this blog as a means of expression, insight to my life, and hopefully improve my writing skills so that I can be an effective communicator in all things.

The goal of this blog is paint a picture of emotion expressed words. Where aesthetically there may be no reward but the eyes of my heart will be fully entranced in a deeply satisfying way. In the place where I am true to myself without the worry of judgment.

Let me remind myself again, this blog ultimately is for me.

(1st Post) CONNECT

I don't really have friends, but what I really do have is family. In 24 years of attempting to understand and learn my place in this planet, one of the truths of my life is that my church isn't just church. In fact, this "church" is THE social network of people that I've grown up with that I can easily call brothers and sisters. These people have seen me grow from just a lil' guy to an abnormal giant of a man. I've quite honestly been surrounded by support, of people who love me and are praying for me to succeed.

But What If

that isn't

enough......

What if the fact that you are surrounded by people who absolutely are pulling for you, that are consistently there to show their appreciation for you, men and women who are showering you with compliments is not sufficient for you? What happens, even in the face of these truths, you still feel absolutely

alone.

Can anyone even hear me? Is anyone listening? There is this part of my heart which I believe is common to the condition of the human spirit which is hiding waiting to break out. It's this part of my soul that wants desperately to do something but nowhere to go.

It yearns to connect, to be understood, to be heard, to be............. somebody.

Outwardly there is nothing ever wrong. They can't see my hurt, they can't see my pain.
Deep down in the caverns, tunnels, of my soul ------>I ache... I long.. I don't even know what I need, but I know I need someone to hear the groans of this pain.

And I don't

Believe

I'm alone.

Our souls need to connect at a deeper level, because we know, NO ONE really knows us. At the deepest level we fear loneliness, abandonment. We are always trying to find our place in a crowd. We assimilate enough to a standard and we will not dare to stand out for fearing to be an outcast, but even with our chameleon efforts we still hope to be noticed.

The problem is, many of our relationships remain at the surface level. Our daily lives are consumed with daily, almost scripted conversations. While we remain and enjoy each others company we fail to even understand how each of us tick. That our friends are not just not objects to fill in the voids of our interests, but they also each experience emotions, subconsciously hoping that the agitation of their souls somehow will be soothed.

It is at this point where my heart is at its utmost vulnerability, I am able to be crushed or given life, the choice is in your hands. But this is the place where I must connect. It is a daunting task but not impossible to reach. Who is willing to find the treasures of this deep? Is anyone willing, the map has been laid out. Risk involved, adventure taken, thrills to ensue

And even if you don't come

As lonely as I feel,

Sometimes I forget someone is already there.

Waiting and longing

for me

to

connect.

If you see me, find me there.

I can't do it any longer, the answers have slipped through my grasp.

Can you come right there?

Connect

-Jaymo
(confessions of a pastor, friend, brother)